I’ve been lucky. Always able to go from one job to the next with ease and confidence and each time landing in a better situation. That’s how it’s supposed to work.

The featured image is a slight exaggeration of how I feel at the moment. I think I actually look worse.

This is the first time in 15 years that I have had to look for work and I’m kicking myself for being too busy and oblivious for the last 14 and a half years not to have paid more attention to the world outside and been better prepared. When colleagues and associates from my company and others who were laid off in previous rounds took a long time to find a new job, I just thought they were being fussy. Wrong!

I’m grateful for the transition services provided with my severance. After the initial shock there was comfort in meeting others who were in the same situation – that we were not alone – and I hope many will remain friends for a long time to come. The support group meetings are filled with career executives ranging in age from late 40s to early 60s – former VPs, senior managers, technology specialists and designers – many whom have been with companies for most of their lives. Some for over 30 years. So much talent. Pride and identities pulled out from underneath. The pain in the room is palpable despite best efforts to remain positive. But there are success stories too and that is the motivation to not give up. Even when you feel like this drawing.

The offices of the career counseling service could not be more bland. It’s literally a kind of purgatory – deliberately set up to be devoid of all character so that its temporary purpose would be amplified. Most of the coaches are older women, each with their own employment roller coaster history – enabling them this gift of empathy from having experienced job loss themselves. I find it slightly odd that this is now their occupation and wonder if it ever was truly a first choice. That’s an observation and not a criticism.

To expand my options I sometimes check out job boards for people Over 50. Usually the first recommendation on the list is to become an Uber driver. Or get a trucker’s license. That’s funny because one would think that old people should not be driving let alone an 18 wheeler (though it could be a great way to see the country and meet characters). Anyway this, too, would be a short lived job since trucks will be self driving in a few years.

Picture a remake of the movie, Duel, but with a self driving truck!

From being on so many job sites, filling out details over and over, your information is out there. During these last few months I’ve been approached by numerous sleazy recruiters – quite a few from insurance companies promising great opportunities. One company went ahead and set up an interview on the spot just because I picked up the phone – which was a mistake – I thought it was someone I knew. But since I had the guy on the phone I decided to hear him out. When I found out that the position was a commission only sales job selling life insurance from New Jersey I said no thanks. And this wasn’t in Jersey City or Hoboken or somewhere close to public transportation. This was out in some office park in the suburbs. Had it been in New York I probably would have gone through with an in person interview just for practice. Even though the total expected compensation would have been around $27,000 a year.

Christ.

Another kind of vulture that preys on the vulnerable unemployed are “career placement” companies. Their tactic is to tell you they received your resume (even though you never sent it to them) and scare you by telling you it could take years before you land anywhere – especially if you’re older – unless you let them help you get in front of the hiring decision makers. A woman from one of these companies caught me off guard today (again I picked up the phone thinking it was someone I knew – ugh – when am I going to learn?). I played dumb so I could hear what she had to say – and try not to laugh. She said with their service I could be hired in less than 2 months – for a mere fee of $3000. I looked up the company she was calling from on the local Better Business Bureau site and saw numerous complaints. How they can even stay in business is a mystery but there really must be a lot of desperate suckers out there.

In a more serious attempt, I have been contacting just about everyone in my “network” as advised. It feels like begging but these days it’s common so I should just get used to it. Still, there is something uncomfortable for both parties I think. Some people don’t want to put themselves at risk. I find this especially the case if they’re at a startup where the average age of employees is 30. Referring an older person may not reflect well on their judgement. Nobody seems to want someone from their parents’ generation in their workplace no matter how qualified, wise or often better equipped to actually do the job.

In fact, I was flat out told by a former colleague (who is in his early 50s) and now a senior officer at a startup that I’m not a digital native and therefore not a good fit with his company. Somewhat insulted, later that same day I asked a former client who is an influencer at the mother of all digital media companies to write a recommendation for my profile which starts off by saying I’m a badass. I’m honored to be called a badass. By a powerful millennial.

If I knew everything was going to be okay, I might actually be able to enjoy this strange period with its many new experiences but today has just been one of those difficult days.